In His Eyes Read online

  In His Eyes

  Copyright 2018

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form-except in the case of brief quotations-without written permission from the author.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names and characters are the product of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  Cover design by Amanda Walker Design Services

  Editing by Major Bookworm Editing

  Proofreading by Blue-Eyed Bookworm

  Formatting by Just Write Creations

  PROLOGUE

  CHAPTER 1

  CHAPTER 2

  CHAPTER 3

  CHAPTER 4

  CHAPTER 5

  CHAPTER 6

  CHAPTER 7

  CHAPTER 8

  CHAPTER 9

  CHAPTER 10

  CHAPTER 11

  CHAPTER 12

  CHAPTER 13

  CHAPTER 14

  CHAPTER 15

  CHAPTER 16

  CHAPTER 17

  CHAPTER 18

  CHAPTER 19

  CHAPTER 20

  CHAPTER 21

  CHAPTER 22

  CHAPTER 23

  CHAPTER 24

  CHAPTER 25

  CHAPTER 26

  CHAPTER 27

  CHAPTER 28

  CHAPTER 29

  CHAPTER 30

  CHAPTER 31

  CHAPTER 32

  CHAPTER 33

  CHAPTER 34

  CHAPTER 35

  CHAPTER 36

  CHAPTER 37

  CHAPTER 38

  CHAPTER 39

  CHAPTER 40

  CHAPTER 41

  CHAPTER 42

  CHAPTER 43

  CHAPTER 44

  EPILOGUE

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

  OTHER BOOKS

  For Him-

  Because He loved me when I was unlovable.

  Because He protected me when I didn’t deserve it.

  And because He saw my worth, even when I didn’t.

  “POSITIVE.”

  My voice echoed in my small bathroom. I couldn’t pinpoint all the different emotions that were rolling over me in waves, from one second to the next.

  Fear.

  Excitement.

  Worry.

  Love.

  Nervousness.

  I had known since I was a little girl that I wanted to be a mother. It was something that I had felt deep inside for as long as I could remember. I also knew that I would be a good mother when the time came. I had so much love to give. I was patient, and I knew I’d do everything I could to give my son or daughter the best life possible.

  “My baby.” I couldn’t help but giggle as I placed my hand over my flat stomach. I was going to be a mom.

  Maybe this would change him. Maybe this would help him show love and control his temper. You couldn’t get drunk and take it out on everyone around you when you had a child that looked up to you. You couldn’t accuse the mother of your child of sleeping with every man she came in contact with. You couldn’t threaten your family every day.

  Could you?

  “OPEN THE DOOR! I’m not playing with you, Ryan! Open it now!” Aaron’s voice rumbled on the other side of the bathroom door, as he slammed his fist against the wood. I tried to cover both of Gracie’s ears, while still holding her against my chest. I pulled both of us closer into the corner, my skin pressing against the cold tile floor.

  “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay,” I whispered to her as I held her closer to me. She was surprisingly calm in this situation, as my own body trembled with fear. She sucked her thumb, and I had concluded that this was her little coping mechanism. Just the thought of her needing one was like a punch in the stomach. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She didn’t deserve this.

  “Don’t ignore me! I’ll break this damn door down if you don’t open it. Don’t test me!” His threats didn’t go unheard, but I couldn’t force myself to open the door, opening myself up for his wrath. And I couldn’t take the chance of him hurting Gracie.

  “Aaron, please stop,” I begged, my teeth chattering. My throat was so dry, it felt as if it were about to close up.

  “Just open the door, please.” His tone did a complete turnaround, but I knew better. I’d fallen for his tricks before, and I wouldn’t allow it. Not this time.

  “Please. Just go away.” I looked down and saw Gracie’s big blue eyes staring up at me, her thumb still planted firmly in her mouth.

  “I’m sorry.” I kissed her forehead, but I knew my apologies weren’t enough.

  My plans had to be cut short. I didn’t have any more time. What I had would have to be enough.

  The thunderous boom of the bathroom door being kicked open caused my body to jump, in turn drawing a whimper from my daughter’s lips. I looked up and saw the familiar rage that filled his eyes. My gut instinct kicked in; I swiftly lifted Gracie in my arms and tucked her behind my body that was cornered in the bathroom floor. Her cries filled the room and my stomach began to churn. I had to keep her safe. I had to protect my baby from this man. Her father.

  “You listen to me,” he growled through gritted teeth as his hands drew closer to me, “I pay every bill in this house, this house is mine.” Saliva pooled around his lips as he grabbed a fistful of my hair, stinging pain radiating down my neck as I was lifted to my feet. My eyes immediately closed tightly from the pain, but I forced them open to keep an eye on Gracie perched in the corner, her eyes wide, staring at her parents above her.

  “You don’t lock me out of any part of my house, you got that?” I followed behind him, my feet dragging the ground as his hands were still wrapped around my long dark locks.

  “Please, stop,” I begged, trying to turn my neck enough to get a look at Gracie, but unable to do so. I could feel clumps of hair being ripped from my scalp with every step we took.

  “Let me show you something,” his voice hissed in my ear, spit landing on my cheek as he led me down the hallway into the kitchen.

  “What is this?” He pressed my face against the cold steel sink and my eyes spotted a single glass sitting next to the drain.

  “I don’t work all damn day to come home to a filthy house. What do you do all day?” His accusations bit the air while my face remained planted against the sink.

  I knew I kept this house almost spotless. Which wasn’t easy, especially once Gracie started to crawl. I was constantly picking everything up, worried that Aaron would come home from work early, or pop in unexpectedly, something he did frequently.

  “It’s one glass,” I mumbled, but immediately I knew I made a mistake when he threw me against the wall. My back ached from the impact and my head throbbed from the hair that was ripped away from my scalp.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered; the words I used more than any other when I spoke to my husband.

  “You’re always sorry, Ryan. When will you learn?” He stalked closer to me until he was at the perfect distance for his next move. His fist connected with my cheek, causing a loud ringing in my ear. I pressed my hand against my throbbing cheek and tears began to stream down my face. Not from the physical pain—I had grown more than used to that—but the emotional pain; it hit me every single time.

  “Here we go. Here come the waterworks.” His hateful words caused the tears to fall even faster.

  “You think I like punishing you?” Aaron drew his face closer to mine, the stench of beer wafting from his breath.

  “You make me do it, you know that, right?” His brows crinkled, and his lips were pulled tight as he waited for my response.

  “I know,” I lied.

  In the background I heard Gracie’s cries start up once more, and I knew I had to pull it together. I
needed to get to her, comfort her, protect her.

  “It won’t happen again. I’m sorry.” I knew I had to say whatever was necessary to get to my daughter. She needed me.

  “It better not.” He took a step back and looked over his shoulder as Gracie’s voice grew louder.

  My greatest fear washed over me once again. I had to protect her.

  “It won’t.” I drew his attention back to me, wiping the tears from my face and standing a little taller, knowing that my weakness gave him strength.

  “We’ll see,” he mumbled, as he took a sharp left and went toward the front door. I watched as he grabbed his keys from the holder and started to open the front door. But just before he stepped through the door, he swiped his hand down and grabbed my keys before making his exit.

  It was typical. He wanted to be sure I couldn’t leave. He knew I was stuck. And that was the way he liked it. The way he needed it.

  Stuck.

  As soon as I heard him lock the door behind him, I jumped to my feet and ran to my daughter who was crawling around the bathroom floor, trading her thumb for a pacifier.

  “Gracie, baby. Mama’s here,” I whispered, as I pulled her from the floor and into my arms. I tried to hold her close to me, but she pulled back and studied my face, rubbing her chubby fingers over my sore cheek.

  “Mama’s okay. Mama’s okay,” I lied.

  I wasn’t okay. We weren’t okay. And neither was this life.

  Plans had to change.

  I didn’t have a choice.

  “SMELLS GOOD.” THE sound of Aaron’s voice caused my body to stiffen as he pressed his fingertips into my sides.

  “Thanks. It’s almost ready.” I did my best to keep my voice steady, determined not to reveal anything different about this morning. As far as he knew, it was just like any other day.

  “Thanks, honey.” He pressed his lips to my temple before squeezing my bottom and then walked away from me. Gracie’s voice squealed through the kitchen and I glanced over my shoulder. She gave me a toothy grin, waving her mushy banana in my direction. Aaron did what he usually did when Gracie begged for his attention. He ignored her.

  I couldn’t understand how any father could refuse to bond with his own daughter. I was lucky in that aspect. My dad loved me and always showed affection. I just wished he was still here. It would make all of this so much easier. And maybe it wouldn’t have taken me this long to grow a backbone.

  I pushed the memories of my parents to the back of my mind. I didn’t have time to think about them this morning. I had to focus. The last thing I needed was for Aaron to notice any distraction or change in my demeanor.

  “Here you go.” I placed the four-course breakfast platter in front of my husband as he sat at the kitchen table he chose, sipping his coffee and staring at his phone, without even glancing in my direction.

  “Do you need more coffee?” I did my best to give him a smile, although the soreness on my cheek was a stark reminder of the night before.

  “If I want more coffee, I’ll tell you to bring me more coffee.” He gave me a disgruntled snarl before turning his attention back to his phone. I simply turned on my heel and began to load the dishwasher, making sure not to let him see my face, fearing he would find something wrong with my expression and have a repeat of the incident last night.

  “I gotta go.” Aaron stood and grabbed his suit jacket from the back of the kitchen chair, draping it over his forearm before sauntering in my direction. I forced a small smile across my face as he came in for a kiss. I puckered my lips and accepted his affection—but inwardly felt a cringe run up my spine—while noticing a tiny hickey poking out of the collar of his designer button-up shirt. I knew good and well that it wasn’t from me. But again, this wasn’t anything new either.

  “Ok, have a good day.” I waved before he turned his back to me and shuffled his designer shoes out of the kitchen, without so much as acknowledging our daughter.

  Jerk.

  I turned my attention to Gracie, who was busy spreading her mushed banana over the top of her high chair, concentrating on the masterpiece she was creating with her very own hands.

  “Try to do something today. Don’t sit around watching those stupid talk shows all day.” His voice boomed through the house, and I knew better than to meet his demand with silence. I would pay for it sooner, rather than later, if I did that.

  “I’m getting started now.” My voice carried the fake sweetness that I had mastered over the years.

  “Love you.” His deep voice rumbled down my spine as I heard his keys tinkering in the distance.

  “Love you too,” I replied, suddenly aware of the butterflies that were flailing around in the pit of my stomach. My hands began to tremble as I set the plate half full of food in the sink, buying time until I heard his car pull out of the driveway.

  “We can do this, baby girl,” I whispered, wiping Gracie’s hands with a damp cloth but instinctively looking around, fearing that he could somehow hear me.

  I pulled my daughter from her high chair and scurried to the window, opening it just slightly, making sure he was indeed on his way to work. My body began to tremble as my nerves moved front and center.

  “Mamamama!” Gracie squealed as she patted her chubby hands against my cheeks, while I locked both locks on the front door, giving myself a heads up in case he decided to come back unexpectedly.

  I made my way to Gracie’s bedroom first and placed her in the crib, trying to keep myself calm enough to complete the task at hand. I pulled a large diaper bag from her closet and began to fill it with her necessities. Diapers. Wipes. Clothes. A few of her favorite toys. I darted quickly into the kitchen and pulled a few bottles from the cabinet and two large cans of formula, knowing it wouldn’t last long, but realizing I could only carry so much. I also threw a few jars of baby food into the bag, with juice and spoons.

  The reality of what I was doing hit me like a ton of bricks. I was taking my baby from the only home she’d ever known. I was throwing away every bit of stability she had and running. I tried to shake the guilty feeling, knowing that this was something I had to do. I had no doubt that one of these days Aaron’s abuse would escalate, and I would end up in the hospital—or worse—and then she wouldn’t have anyone.

  Her cries in the distance pulled me from my thoughts and I took another peak out the window before continuing. I pulled a duffle bag from the closet I shared with Aaron and began to fill it with a few clothes and toiletries. I pushed my clothes aside to make my way to the back of the closet. I dug my hand inside my winter coat, pulling the wad of cash that I had been stashing for the last few months. Aaron had a tight hold on the money, so I did everything I could to acquire what I could. I didn’t really have access to cash, so getting cash back from the grocery store was the easiest way. Twenty dollars here, fifty dollars there. It added up, and there wasn’t a trace; thankfully Aaron never looked at the grocery store receipts, only the bank statement. His drunken escapades left loose cash in his laundry that he never asked about; so, thankfully that helped also. I had to gather every dollar I could.

  I’d been working on this plan for months, but never really knew when I would execute it. And to be honest, I don’t even know my reasoning for today being the day. A punch in the face from Aaron wasn’t anything new. I’d experienced it more times than I could count. But something inside of me decided it was the last.

  Once everything was in place and my car was packed up, I knew I had to do one last thing to make sure it was safe to do this. I grabbed my cell and dialed Aaron’s office number. His secretary patched me through, her usual attitude on full display; no doubt that she had a special relationship with my husband and a call from his wife was the last thing she wanted to deal with.

  “Yeah,” his distracted voice came over the receiver, his annoyance obvious.

  “Hey.” I forced sweetness to ooze from my lips.

  “What, Ryan? I’m busy,” he spat in my ear, but it rolled off my back, the
least of my worries.

  I rambled off the speech that I had prepared and practiced at least ten times in the last few minutes. “Sorry, I was just wondering if you wanted me to bring you lunch today. I can pick up some take out, and the baby and I can come visit. Give you a little break; I know you’ve been working hard.”

  “Ryan, I don’t have time for this. I’ve got work to do. I don’t have the luxury of sitting home all day,” he huffed and ended our call without another word.

  He really was a jerk. It was hard to remember a time when he wasn’t mean. I placed my phone on the kitchen counter and pulled some stationary from a drawer.

  Aaron,

  I can’t do this anymore. We’re leaving you.

  Ryan

  There were a million other things I wanted to say, but I knew they would fall on deaf ears. I just needed to get out of here.

  I PULLED INTO our local grocery store, finding a parking spot between two parked cars, hoping my silver SUV would blend in with all the other vehicles in the lot. I glanced around in all directions, paranoia creeping over me, thoughts of Aaron following me almost causing me to nix my plan. But I couldn’t do it. I had to make this move. My love for my daughter outweighed the fear. She didn’t deserve to witness the life she had had thus far. And it wouldn’t be long before those memories would stick with her. Right now, she was just a baby, and her memory would allow her to forget. But I knew that wouldn’t always be the case.

  So, it was time.

  “You ready, baby?” I whispered to Gracie, and jerked the driver’s side door open, pulling her car seat out in a flash, glancing in all directions once more as my feet shuffled quickly inside. I looked at the cashiers who were checking out customers and then over at the customer service desk, hoping the usual work schedules were still on target this morning.

  When I spotted her long red locks, a sigh of relief escaped my lips and I moved quickly to where she stood, bent over the counter, counting the money in the register.

  “Cameron?” My voice held a rasp as I waited for her response, worried that this plan was impossible to pull off.